A Canadian saying, commonly associated with the work of physician Dr. Gabor Maté and often cited in trauma-informed psychology, states: “If it is hysterical, it is historical.” In many cases, the way we treat one another—whether in the workplace or at home—is influenced not only by the current situation but also by our past experiences with each other and by previous encounters in our environment. Our deplorable reaction or overreaction to issues stems from past hurts, especially those that were unmet, unresolved, or unfulfilled.
As a positional leader, you counsel a subordinate with a serious time-management problem on the importance of adhering to established protocols. Instead of taking the opportunity to improve their punctuality, they use the conversation to vent long-held frustrations, responding that they are already aware of the company policy rather than addressing their clock-in time. You urge your wife to remit money to your old father in the village for his ninetieth birthday; instead, she reminds you about the gift you did not buy her for Valentine's Day. You reason with your husband to stop coming home late from social outings; instead, he barks back at you that he does not need a ‘travel visa’ from you to socialise with friends. You amicably talk to your son about the need to attend and patronize family events; instead, he outright reminds you about his graduation event that you missed because you overslept and missed the flight. You have a funeral in your family; no one from the neighbourhood shows up to offer you condolences; you later learn that neighbours resent you for not attending other people’s funerals and social gatherings. The past dominates our present reaction. Dr Gabor Maté was right, ‘. . . if it is hysterical, it is historical.’ Yes, people do hold grudges.
Most of us move around with trauma, emotional injuries, and psychiatric pain laden and hidden in our chest from old hurts, disappointments, and grief. We talk to each other harshly or treat others unreasonably, not because of the situation at hand, but because of how they acted toward us in the past, when we experienced a similar situation or social problem, or because of our childhood trauma. We walk around pretending to be happy, yet a silent earthquake is slowly building inside us. People nurture and harbour ‘hot’ issues in their chest. Be careful with what you say, with what you do, and how you treat them. The words you speak, the actions you take, the personality you assume, and the kindness or cruelty you show others come back to you.
Every person that you meet in life is struggling with an issue. They may wear a happy face, but deep in their heart, they are going through an invisible storm. A hurricane of emotional pain. A typhoon of childhood trauma. A cyclone of frustration. A tornado of unsound mental health. Not all wounds show up physically. No. You may have come across people who post happy selfies with celebrity poise on Facebook, Instagram, and other social platforms while undergoing a marriage break-up, are fired from employment, or diagnosed with a terminal illness that will devastate them and their family for the rest of their lives. Let the truth be told: the most painful injury that we experience in life is the emotional one – which cannot be seen by others. Conversely, it is human nature to hide these emotional wounds and pretend that butterflies are gliding peacefully in our orbit, puppies are jumping merrily in our space, and rainbows are streaming the windowpanes colourfully across the blue sky.
When you see people in your orbit being silent, do not assume that they are okay; do not conclude that everything is rosy. Not everyone quiet is actually doing fine. You never know what silent battles they are waging. Every person under the sun is battling with an issue that needs either spiritual healing, medical attention, social companionship, divine intervention, or all the foregoing. Emotional wounds do not bleed but need healing and attention. Be kind to people. Always.
Caution. This article is not a manifesto that advocates self-directed pity or that promotes self-loathing or social sadness. No. Pay attention to your emotional pain. Feel it. Don’t distance yourself from the pain. Process it. Wallowing in sadness, trauma, frustration, anger, and anxiety allows one to move to emotional balance. Use emotional pain to your advantage. Yes, great leaders do. They use emotional pain, frustration, and trauma productively. Emotional hurt, if used appropriately, brings positive results and personal success. Take to heart the wise words of Willard Marriott, who said; “. . . good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind, the stronger the tree.” Trials and tribulations do devastate us, but they have their own way of strengthening us. The force that appears to unmake us is the very force that toughens us. If harnessed properly, emotional wounds become our foundation for growth and success.
True story. A Nigerian boxer of diminutive stature named Efe Ajagba fought an extraordinary fight at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympics in Brazil. He was paired against a boxer who had not lost a single fight in his boxing career. Clearly, the scales tipped against Ajagba and in favour of the undefeated boxer. The Nigerian pugilist mooted an idea. If he wanted to win the fight, he needed to emotionally charge himself by focusing on something—a person, a system, or a situation—that he hated, disliked, or that caused him emotional pain or anger. He managed to bring to mind a system that he hated and was angry with. Charged, he stepped into the ring. What followed was fascinating. He knocked down the opponent, the undefeated boxer, in twenty-three seconds. Unbelievable. It was the first time in Olympic history—and in boxing—for a fighter to defeat an undefeated opponent in just twenty-three seconds.
The following day, newspapers in Brazil and throughout the world carried the story and pictures of Efe Ajagba on the front and back pages. He had written history. The fight was one of the greatest in the history of boxing. An inquisitive television reporter tracked down the Nigerian boxer and asked him, “. . . what did you do to win the fight against an undefeated boxer in a record time of twenty-three seconds? What is your secret, Ajagba?” Without a wink, the Nigerian boxer replied, “. . . Simple. I just focused all the anger, trauma, and pain that I had for the Nigerian government in one blow.” Fascinating.
Another true story. I have a friend. He is always cheerful. He smiles a lot and wears a happy face wherever he goes. Here is the thing: a week ago, I attended the funeral of his wife. She died of a critical illness. Many people in his friend's orbit – workmates and neighbours - did not know that he had someone in the family with a terminal illness. He always presents himself impassively and lives as if everything in his space is okay. What is my lesson from the episode? People are going through a lot in silence. Men seldom open up. The societal expectation that a man must always appear strong is killing men softly. So, what is my petition? Let us show compassion to our brothers and sisters with whom we collectively take care of this trauma-burdened planet.
Views from the top are that we all have hard seasons. Days when nothing moves. Times when the ground on which we stand feels cracking. Periods when nothing seems to be in our favour. Times when we wish that the ground could open up and swallow us alive. Still, we wear a brave face. That is how it should be. It is natural. But as a leader, don’t overlook this leadership aspect. Always check on people in your orbit, especially the silent ones. Silence is a trigger. It speaks louder than words. The fact that members of your team or family are silent does not mean that everything is fine. People harbour emotional pain in their chest from past hurts. Don’t be so engrossed with yourself or focused on your path that you fail to discern and acknowledge your family and team’s emotional hurts and mental health burdens. Lead with the heart, not the mind. Oh, lest I forget: not every wound bleeds outward.
Lester Chinyang’anya ǀ General Manager - Operations ǀ Minet Malawi
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