One of my favorite books is Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. There is a very interesting conversation between the two main characters in the book that Carroll puts in a nutshell about the need for you and me to be specific with our mission and identity in life. “... would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” Alice inquired. “. . . that depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat. “. . . I don’t much care where-” said Alice. “. . . then, it does not matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
I have a confession to make; a declaration of guilt. As a leadership and personal mastery mwalimu, I coach and train team leaders in the discipline of restraint. However, as an artisan, when I am in my orbit, whether at home or at work, I incongruously practice the opposite - the discomfort of restraint. I will clarify.
Ask any leadership coach, and they will tell you that greatness in business and life comes by being helpful and inspirational to others. When we see or hear about people experiencing struggles, facing hardships, or in need of encouraging words, intuitively, we are compelled to offer help. Yes, it is our responsibility to lift the lid off the load for and on behalf of our brothers and sisters with whom we collectively take care of this troubled planet. The greatest pugilist of all time, Muhammad Ali, assertively said, “... service to others is the rent that we pay for our room here on earth.”
It is in my nature to see people in my orbit reach their potential. More often than not, I ensure their growth accelerates. I feel great when I extend grace to people that I interact with. Unfortunately, this approach of mine recently took a knock.
As alluded to above, whenever I see someone struggle with a problem, I hasten to offer help. In most cases, I am tempted to do the work for them. I do this to lessen the burden on their back. To speed up their personal development. Psychologically, it pains to see someone, especially those you are familiar with - workmates and family members - experience struggles in life. I feel pain that I have the answer to the problem, but I am torn apart between offering the solution or not – the discomfort of restraint.
I recently learned that whenever we help someone, especially when we personally do the work that they are supposed to do, we are hurting them. We are making them less capable. Knowing the answer and not making it known may, in the first place, look heartless, cruel, and regressive, but I realized that is how great leaders build a winning mentality and culture. Every time we solve someone’s problem or make ourselves available to solve their problem, we are, in essence, making them not think on their own. We are communicating a strong message that their thinking is incomplete without us. We are making them feel inadequate to make the change on their own. We are making them feel that when we are not around, they may not find the answer. They develop what psychologists refer to as "learned helplessness", which is a recipe for disaster.
Invulnerability to the discomfort of restraint is the hallmark of great leadership. Top leaders understand and practice the discipline of restraint. They step aside and let people in their orbit stumble. They know that helping less actually entails helping more. I know it sounds strange and hard to admit, especially when you want to see people in your orbit make progress in life.
Here is your assignment. If you are serious about building a winning mentality and culture in your organization and inculcating resilience in your team and family, practice the discipline of restraint. It works. When a colleague or family member brings you a problem, instead of rushing to offer a solution, ask them to find the solution on their own. When you rush to help people, you are in fact doing them a disservice. You are hurting them. Why? Because you are making yourself sought after and indispensable. You are making others incapable and dispensable. Instead, ask them what they could have done if you were not around. Don’t offer the solution. Keep it to yourself. Let them propose an approach. I know it feels bad and painful. In the moment, you will experience the discomfort of restraint - the temptation to engage and offer a solution. Verily, I say unto you, although the experience is viewed as discomfort or pain, on the flip side, it is growth. Their growth. And your growth. It is their growth because they are learning to solve problems independently. Your growth comes from learning that your value as a leader is not having all the answers. You learn a lesson that you don’t have the monopoly on wisdom in the orbit.
Great leaders not only practice the discipline of restraint, but also build robust empowering systems that capacitate followers with the necessary skills and abilities to unlock innate talent. Yes, top leaders gravitate to uncovering and redeeming the X factor in the members of their team and family.
I like watching television reality shows. My favourite show is America’s Got Talent. It is enthralling to watch contestants go head-to-head, toe-to-toe, showcasing skills and competing to win the coveted prize. In order to win the prize, the contestants’ main task is to impress a panel of judges. This is the zenith of the competition and is what makes the show splendid and a marvel to watch. It is what makes spectators drop their jaws in awe of the great talent.
This reminds me of a popular television movie, The X Factor, that I watched many years ago. In the movie, the judges look for contestants who have the indefinable quality that makes them stand out. What makes the show interesting is that the judges cannot define exactly what that special quality is. The quality has nothing to do with appearance or pose – the seen. The judges are looking for none of the above. They are looking for something deeper and inscrutable about the participants that makes them special. Something that sets them apart from the rest of the performers. That special quality in psychology is referred to as the X factor. This is where the producers picked the title for the movie.
My question to you: what is it that you embody as X factor that people admire you for? What is it that you possess as an X factor that your family members model from and take pride in you? What is it that you are bringing to your workplace as an X factor that is of high quality that wows your workmates? What is it that you have on your curriculum vitae as an X factor that gives you the edge in the marketplace? The secret of success lies in possessing a high undefinable quality that the marketplace and social community cannot resist, but follow you as their leader.
Recently, I came across a newspaper statement that depicts the X factor of a new appointment, ‘. . . Dr Talumba is a seasoned and highly respected hotelier with thirty years of leadership experience across the five continents, and has worked with top global hotel and fast-moving consumer goods brands. She brings a proven track record of driving strategic growth, brand transformation, reputation management, and customer engagement across the safari and fast-food service industries. Dr Talumba’s approach to leadership development is result-oriented and transformative, targeting real-world challenges experienced by businesses and leaders globally.’
In May 2026, Xabi Alonso was appointed as new manager of the Chelsea Football Club [CFC]. That Alonso was appointed as the CFC manager is a no brainier. It is his profile or X factor that grabbed my attention: ‘... one of the most respected figures in modern game. Alonso is regarded not only as an outstanding football coach but also as a proven leader and partner across several areas essential to the demands of driving the team.’ Beautiful statement.
Whatever may be said in praise of success, the fact remains that it is not possible to live a complete and successful life without the X factor. No man rises to his greatest possible height in talent development unless he embodies a special quality. Most of us fail to rise to stardom because of our inability to uncover and display our X factor or rarity in the marketplace.
Take it or leave it. Our success is guaranteed only if we have something to sell or announce at the workplace, in the marketplace, or in the social community, in the form of an X factor. There is a reason why you should have something to sell or announce at your workplace, in your marketplace, or social orbit: people will follow you - and when they evaluate your leadership, their most telling comment about you will be their great admiration of you as a role model. People will start to respect you – and use your name for endorsements. People will want to be like you – and use their association with you for their own personal growth. People will want to do things for and with you – and this is how you not only build a great team but also a movement. People will start to value you highly, your price tag in the marketplace compounds, and you start to receive recognition.
Views from the top are that if possession of a special quality is not great leadership, then, I wonder what leadership is. “. . . if you have not found something to die for,” said Martin Luther King Junior, “then, you are not fit to live.” Do not rely on typicality. It has diminished value in the marketplace. It is cheap. Everyone else has it. It is the law of supply and demand. Instead, find something of eminence and high standard that you can do, be, and have within the constraints of the reality of life. Find your special quality. Find your exceptionality. Find your niche. Find your X factor. Once you find and identify it, immediately start selling or announcing it in the marketplace, and watch the results thereafter. Your productivity will soar. Your creativity will surge. Your prosperity will swell. Due to your soaring impact and influence, you will start receiving hefty rewards in the form of financial and material compensation. Is that not beautiful? I bet it is.
Lester Chinyang’anya | General Manager – Operations | Minet Malawi
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